Aureations

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    4:15

    The flashes of light that usually prevented total darkness behind my eyelids formed into figures, and I was sure I was dreaming. Familiar faces began to spring from the purples and reds as my breathing slowed and my mind tried to let go of consciousness. Memories long since touched came shouting at me, wagging a finger in my direction, scolding me for running away from them. “You’ll never forget us,” they seemed to say as conversations wrought with intensity, betrayal, and heartbreak filled my mind’s ear.

    The fan hums quietly. The blinds sway from side to side, brushing against one another as the air conditioning whispers through the vent in the floor. Tiny slivers of light break through their cracks, striping the walls and distracting my eyes beneath their lids. His breathing is steady and calming, a welcome warmth on the back of my neck.

    This isn’t the first time I am in this bed. The sides seem to slope as the middle gives way to a softer, less dense valley of padding. He had slept here alone for quite a while, for which I am grateful for in a bit of guilt. I am glad that I am the only one to have slept with him in this bed before; that I have my own place in his heart instead of overshadowing another’s. The slopes force us to join in the middle, always in contact with one another, backs turned or limbs entwined. Sleeping with him is the most peaceful sleep I have ever experienced, his trust and mine forming a comfortable warmth and stillness where previous loves had distracted and energized.

    www 

    “I hardly got any sleep last night.” I rubbed my eyes, regretting leaving my glasses in my room before leaving for the night. “My mind was racing the entire time. Laying next to him was really nice… but I’m fucking exhausted.”

    “Did you guys do anything?” Charlotte nudged, hungry for the juicy details.

    “Yeah… it was really weird. He got angry that I was dancing with his roommate, but he was the one who suggested it.” My face flushed as I shook my head at the thought. “We were dancing and… and his roommate just kind of… started kissing me.”

    “EW! Oh God, what did you do?”

    “Well, we played a game of quarters right before we headed out, so I was pretty much completely gone after only a half hour. I just went with it.” I groaned.

    “So what happened with him?”

    “He got really angry when he saw that… I saw him out of the corner of my eye.”

    My lips were locked against another pair of lips—a pair I was far too unfamiliar with. Had we even spoken for more than a minute? What the hell, I thought, it’s a party, and I’m not committed to anyone. I wished I had been.

    He saw it, and a sick and twisted part of me loved this. I bet you regret letting me go now. I pulled away to catch him sprint-walking out of the room and down the stairs. I took my hands off of Pat, asking, “Is anyone leaving with him?”

    “I don’t think so,” he shrugged, placing his hands on my hips. “He’ll be fine, just let him go.” I felt violated as he pulled me closer, and just as the song ended, I made a break for it.

    “I caught him and we went back to his room on the bus. He said he hated seeing that,” I smiled at a wide-eyed Charlotte. “I don’t even know how it happened, but next thing I knew, I was on top of him. He kept telling me that he loved me. And then we slept. Or at least he did.”

    “Do you think it’s gonna go anywhere?”

    “I dunno. It’ll probably get all fucked up somewhere down the line. Maybe not, though. I think this just needs to happen for me to get over it, or it will just turn into something. Besides, isn’t it supposed to be hard to sleep next to the one you really love?”

    “I’ve never heard of that,” she replied. “I’ve never really been ‘in love’ with anyone, but I think it’s supposed to be the opposite. Like you’re so comfortable with the person that you can sleep through a tornado with them by your side.”

    I let the thought slip through my ears, never to be considered. The ignorant bliss crumbled when I received a text message a few days later:

    I think it’d be for the best if we stopped seeing each other.

    www 

    So why am I awake? Any other night, I would be dead asleep, waking in late morning to early afternoon, even if I had retired at a decent hour. The clock on the cable box reads an orange-tinted four-fifteen, and my eyes widen even more. I can feel the sleep forming in their corners even though they have not shut, and everything seems to be amplified. The fan roars, the air is freezing, the slivers of light become painful scars on my corneas. All I can think is fuck, fuck, fuck.

    Jacob lets out a mid-dream sigh, and for the first time in hours, I turn to face him and smile as his eyes flutter at projected workings of his mind.

    www

    I smiled a devilish smile as I pounced on him, shouting, “Come on, Jacob! Let’s wrestle!”

    He began to tickle me—which seems to be his “signature move”—and I immediately succumbed to the feeling of being in his arms. It was comfortable, like being wrapped in a thick blanket. My body instantly became slack, and my breathing relaxed. We both sat up and, without thinking, I leaned in to kiss him. We’ve done this before, I thought. It’s just fun. We’re just friends with benefits.

    Just as I brushed his lips, he grasped my shoulders, pushing me back. “Wait, wait, wait,” he managed, flustered. “What is going on here?”

    I sat before him, feeling like spotlights were shining on me from all directions. I had no idea what was going on, and had forgotten how this pattern had even started. We had been betrayed, I knew that. We had been lonely, I also knew that. We had always gone to one another in times of need, and we’ve constantly felt the pull to be there for one another… I began to realize that.

    “I… I don’t know… I…”

    “What do you want, Amber?” The question fell on me with heavy pressure.

    “Do you want to try this?”

    My thoughts were a flurry. I didn’t want to lose him, but really felt like I wanted something more. I thought he didn’t want anything more than just “fooling around,” which was why before I had insinuated a sparring match, I sat on the exact opposite end of the couch, restraining myself from cuddling or doing anything that would have suggested my feelings. Fuck. What do I want?

    I answered perhaps a second too quickly, the pressure controlling my words. “Yeah, I wanna try it.”

                We both smiled and embraced one another, but I was scared to death. I pictured everything going wrong: shouting matches, emotional turmoil, crying… lots of crying. It would be just like the four other times we had tried to be together, and this could really screw things up. In a time where friends were sparse and trust was low, I needed him. I really, truly needed him. 

    www

    I desperately needed rest. Nighttime was notorious for throwing bad thoughts my way, and at four-fifteen, I couldn’t afford to wander back into a depressive state. I twisted and turned, thinking of all of the repercussions that would follow during the day if I didn’t get at least a short nap in.

    I began to cry, thinking of everything that bothered me at the moment and in the past. The frustration of lost friends, being manipulated by someone who didn’t even love me, and realizing that I was incredibly naïve filled my head, and I swear I could feel the pressure in my skull begin to increase. My body tensed, promising at least two more hours of uncomfortable wakefulness. 

    www

    “Please tell me what’s wrong,” Jacob said gently, sitting me down on the bed. “I know you, Amber. I can see it all over your face. Something’s wrong.”

    “I really don’t know,” the tears started to build. “I’m just really anxious or something, but I don’t know about what.” My body was insanely tense, and my breathing quickened at an alarming rate. I tried to search through my mind for the answer to what was making me so anxious, but nothing surfaced out of the storm.

    “Look at me, Amber.”

    Something inside me didn’t allow me to look.

    “Why can’t you look at me?”

    I lay on my side, pressing my face into the comforter. “I don’t know, okay? I don’t know what’s going on, I don’t know what I’m feeling, I’m scared, and I’m just completely confused and tense. I have no idea why, so please stop pressuring me!”

    He sat silent and, after a moment, placed his hand on mine. “You can talk to me. Maybe that will help you figure it out.”

    I dragged him down to lie next to me. I cried silently and forced myself to look into his eyes, to try and be comfortable. “I don’t know. I think, maybe, this is all just very new for me… you know, it feels different than the other times we tried…”

    He smiled at this. “Yeah, it’s really different for me, too. I’m glad it is.”

    “Yeah, yeah, it’s definitely a good thing. I’m just…” I tried to find the right word as I scanned my body for symptomatic clues. “…overwhelmed?”

    His eyebrows furrowed. “How do you mean?”

    “I just feel a lot for you, and while all that stuff was going on--all the ‘friends with benefits’ stuff, I mean--I started to develop feelings and I thought you didn’t want anything to do with that but now you do and—”

    I stopped myself, checking in on my body again. My legs and arms were excruciatingly tense and filled with pain, and I tucked all of my limbs into the fetal position as I winced.

    “What’s wrong?”

    “I… everything hurts. A lot. The last time this happened was when I told that asshole that I—”

    The last time this happened was when I told the boy who never loved me that I loved him. The pain overcame me, and I couldn’t walk or move my arms or hands, and it took all I had not to scream.

    Shit, I realized, I’m in love with him.

    “Listen,” he rubbed my legs and arms gently, trying to calm me down. “I think I know what you’re getting at. I love you, too, Amber. I have for a very long time. Probably since the first time I met you.”

    I was astounded. I smiled and let my tears flow openly, as they had turned from upset to overjoyed. “But… I was so ugly back then!”

    Jacob laughed. “Even with frizzy, curly hair and braces, I still knew you were amazing. The love is just stronger now that we’re both in a good place. Together.”

    I laughed, my whole body shaking as the tenseness escaped me. “I do love you. I guess it’s just hard for me to say after—”

    He put a finger over my lips. “You don’t have to think about that now. You love me and I love you, and I would never, ever play those mind-games with you. You deserve all the love in the world, and I’m going to give it to you. This is our time; this is a new time.”

    “I love you.”

    “I love you.”

    www

    I look at Jacob and, for a moment, I am on the precipice of sleep. He is at peace, lying still, with his arm draped around me. I hold myself in that moment, pleading, for once, for sleep to wait just a bit longer.

    Just as I close my eyes, the light in the room becomes a bit brighter. The fan seems to slow to its usual hum, the air returns to a comfortable relief from the summer heat. The clock, just a few minutes past four-fifteen, grows a bit dimmer, and the slivers of white light begin to turn to a much warmer shade of orange.

    I slide quietly out of the bed, my body finally feeling relaxed. I twist the rod to open the shades just a bit, and smile widely at the sunrise just outside the window. The streetlamp across the way extinguishes, and just before the first bird begins to sing, I realize the silence and stillness of morning. I wonder if this is what birth must be like. First there is complete silence, last there is a busy, blinding world, but in between… in between darkness and blinding brightness, there is this in-between of gentle sounds and soft, beautiful light. It’s those few seconds in which a newborn knows that now is the start of their time. A new time, a new chance, a new light emerging from the dark they have been in for far too long. 

    As the clock glows a quiet five-fifteen, I slide back into bed, under Jacob’s sure arms, and dream of hope, leaving past darkness behind.

     

    • 27 December 2012
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    Currently a student at Emerson College, Class of 2014. BA Writing, Literature and Publishing. Specializing in Creative Writing, Book Design, and Editorial.

  • About Amber Cunningham

    Currently a student at Emerson College, Class of 2014. BA Writing, Literature and Publishing. Specializing in Creative Writing, Book Design, and Editorial.

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